Once Again
This is an AI translation, pending the author’s review.
The patient with SVCO passed away this morning. It was expected… it was his release. But I am very unhappy.
He had been in hospital for three weeks. He had an FNAC, a private CT scan, and palliative RT was planned for next week. Tuesday afternoon his voice went hoarse; Thursday afternoon he became short of breath.
On an afternoon when I was first call and rushing to admit cases, I “professionally” told him and his son that urgent RT was no longer possible, that there wasn’t much more we could do. The son, calm and earnest, asked over and over what else could be done… It was I who hadn’t explained clearly on the phone, I who hadn’t properly discussed the situation with the family beforehand… Though I had kept mentioning the poor prognosis to him ever since his father was admitted…
With great effort he waved to his heartbroken son: no intubation… When he saw the disappointment on his son’s face, he said with force, “Let it be,” and the son wept.
Before my post-call half-day off I went to see him once more. He was on the 100% O2 he had refused all along… because he had wanted to keep talking with his family. That was the last time I saw him. I didn’t know what to say… I ran away. I don’t know whether it was post-call tiredness or my own fear. Once again I watched a patient who had walked in on his own feet leave…
I have seen a lot of death already. I don’t want to become numb… and I am thankful that I am not numb yet.
I am only unsettled by how “professional” my DNAR “script” is getting, and how my OPD “throughput” has slightly “improved”.